I thought she/he made some very good points, especially regarding clarifying the main goals with both the protagonist and antagonist as these develop through the story. The earlier drafts were a bit dialogue-heavy and I think in my haste to correct this some of Henri's goal definition got lost eg there was a line in the first act which I removed in consultation with the director 'as soon as I inherit my shares there will be big changes at Kingdom'. So her points are fair and fairly easy to work up. I also agree that his psychologkcal conflict can be explored more, especially in relation to the'vision'. I will certainly do this. The ghost originally talked and we thought it was all a bit scooby-do so we lost the dialogue here but she's given me some good ideas to show Henri's madness more. Where I take slight issue with the report is in her summation that the plot's too descriptive. She makes the point on several occasions that its visual and the pace is fast and supported by punchy action sequences and some witty dialogue so to summarise that there is too much expo is many of the relationships seems contradictory. I do agree that the corruption plot development can be shown more and maybe told less but apart from that, most of the relationships are developed through action. On the corruption development, expo can be useful sometimes to move things along with brevity and I didnt want to get caught up in all the detail of how money passes through accounts electronically. The secret account is basically a mcguffin so I want to paint the picture with very broad brushstrokes. Thereis a place for exposition if it can be relayed in the context of action and so I do not feel this is as much of a problwm as she makes out. However, if I'm showing him as more active then we can overcome a lot of this anyway. The script was originally based on hamlet and i'm glad this wasn't picked up on in the report as I've been moving it away from that. But it does help explain why Henri is perhaps al ittle passive in the 2nd act. Blame it on the Hamlet overhang! I also inderstand her point about the WAG stereotypes. This is difficult to overcome without a lot of subversion as you have to deal with audience expectations to a degree, especially in satire. However, I am going to make Gabrielle a bit more switched on amd elsewhere do the opposite and make Wagdom even more OTT. She misreads the Henri/Jessica arc, its not about materialism. Essentially, what draws thwm to gether is that they have their own private world they create together as evidenced by their opening exchange which prorects them from 'planet football' and the public glare. This is then torn apart by Henri's feelings of madness and isolation and the fact he no longer feels he can trust anyone. To get back together both of them need to come to terms with the world they inhabit. Henri does this by challenging Lord and saving the club. She does it by giving up the band. Of this isn't coming across well enough though I will do more work to clarify. The car he gives up is symbolic of the glitzy life he is prepared to give up for her at the end. Finally, I have to say I don'tagree with her summation of the ending.Henri does save the club at some cost to himself. He saves it because it doesn't go bust and survives the scandal and can now renew itself (symbolised by George) rather than be obliterated in the fall out. Also, there is essential expo in the resolurion scene because that is the purpose of a resolution scene, to tie up thw loose ends. Therefore the radio dialogue is useful because it quickly outlines some of what has happened in the intervening period. All in though, some very useful points and I've got a lot of ideas springing from the report to help me build on what's there.
8 years ago
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